star-crossed melodies

When I was just saved from the darkside. When I was starting to learn from the wisdom of the Force. When I finally felt at ease, calm, stillness, and peace in myself…

The threat from the darkside remained…

Something…or someone was trying to drag me back to the deepest part of the darkside. It seek to succumb me into suffering once again. It fooled my emotions. It played with my feelings.
It revived the fear that I buried. It created the anger that I could not have. It fed my soul with hatred. It gave suffering to my mind.

It strangled my hope…

Shall we confront? But then I shall fall once again to the darkside. Hunger for power, aggression, fear, suffering, worry, pain, grieve, burden I would feel.
Shall we assess and wait? But then I shall be restless.
Shall we elude from the matter? But then I must severe my connection, my bond with the Force and I shall not know the answer, forever mayhap…

I am…confused. I need to meditate on this.

*** reference: The Book of Records 2005.03.30 and 2005.03.31

Wednesday 2005.03.30 (!!!)

Ramblings…

There were times once when I walked on the path of the light.
When the Force was unusually strong with me.
When I felt it flew gently through myself.
When I was so calm and at peace, passive.

There were times, when I was tempted, seduced heavily by the darkside.
When I started to grow hunger of power, to control.
It was then I became restless.
Ignorant of the wisdom and went thin in patience.
It was an act of aggression, because I was fear of loosing.
Fear led to anger…anger led to hatred…
Hatred…led to the darkside…

I succumbed deeper each passing moments.
I was consumed…
Despair…

Suddenly, the bond was severed.
I felt the Force no more.
All I could hear, was echoes…of nothingness…
I was exiled for eons…

But I was redeemed, I was saved.
I felt the Force once again.
It surrounds me, binds me, flows through me.
The light have given another hope, it has always been and it shall always be.

Well, you of all people who played Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic Sith Lords must have understood of what I wrote above. I was quite inspired. Ramblings above is just metaphors, you know…of what’ve been happening to me in the past, actually. Not very accurate but it’ll do, a little.

Thursday 2005.03.24 20:55

Hari ini…
Bangun jam 0300 pagi. Bingun juga mau ngapain, tapi krn emang siklusnya, yaaa gak bisa tidur lagi. Jadilah akhirnya jalan-jalan keluar cari makanan, iseng (whoa, having a walk at 0300!? Naaah, udah biasa kok). Udah gitu balik lagi ke tempat kost and was trying to find something to do. Biasa lah, to kill time (or is it to waste time? this is the most effective way, trust me), saya maen PES4. Yaaa, satu dua pertandingan lumayan. Abis itu paling baca-baca dikit, nerusin Seribu Satu Malam yang penuh dengan cerita-cerita aneh dan gak jelasnya. Lama-kelamaan ngantuk lagi si…
Akhirnya sekitar jam 0500 saya tidur lagi…ampe siang.

Bangun udah jam 1000. It was time to go to today’s class which was Elemen Mesin, satu jam, dari jam 1100 ampe jam 1200 doank. That was the only class I had today! And so, I went and prepare myself…started with taking a bath, of course.
Udah siap? ya udah, trus berangkat dah. Hari ini (as I was intended to do for the rest of the days this week) I took the right path instead of the left path (maksudnya abis keluar dari kost-place trus belok kanan…gitu). Berangkat jam berapa ya tadi? Sekitar jam 1050 lah, gak tau, gak ingat. Since I assumed I was quite late already, I didn’t expect for anything. Malah tadinya sih mau berangkat jam 0900 pagi, pengen jalan-jalan dulu. But…every cloud has a silver lining! And it was true! On my way to campus…unexpectedly, unintentionously, most improbably, and so it would seem…a most stunning turn of event!

@*&%!)^%)!$^)%&*@)$*!@_*%_!%_!$&%_!&@# ^_^ please do refer to The Book of Ideas or Thoughts and The Book of Journey Records for detailed reference… =)

Anyway, that was half of my day today. The rest? Turun ama Andres looking for ink buat printer. Abis itu saya beli buku Mekanika Fluida, lumayan lah buat belajar. Tadi dari Unisba ke atas Taman Sari macet banget! Baru di pertigaan Jalan Ganesha lumayan lengang lagi. Doh, what happened actually?! Pasti gara-gara "segitiga setan" yang ada di Annex itu. You know what I mean lah. Sampe di kampus lagi at around 1600, jalan-jalan dulu sebentar abis itu kumpul meeting FTI Festival Branding and Warming di Kebab Biologi. Whoa, yang dateng dikit banget, cuma Nazef, Adi Cahyo, ama Arya. Well, we decided to do an open recruitment starting on Monday.
Udahan meeting BW, hampir Maghrib, so saya cepet-cepet pulang buat buka puasa hehehe…yup, it was Thursday. Ya udah si, that was all for today. Pengennya sih ngerjain tugas ampe selesai supaya Sabtu ama Minggu bisa nyantei (as someone pronounced it) dikit. Tapi bingung juga. Naah, I’d try my best…although…ehehehhe (sinister grin).

Argh, Andres ama aa Myrdal balik ke Cirebon hari ini. Trus katanya Irwan ama Nenden balik besok pagi (Jumat 2005.03.25). Tito gak jelas mau balik apa kaga, bingun dia. Klo si Dian sih katanya emang gak balik. Lagian si, SKETSA pake diundur segala! Ah well, let’s just enjoy our time here before the hectic week, which is next week.

Aaargh! *starts punching the wall*

Gee…
baru aja selesai kuliah hari ini nih, but…masih banyak yang harus dikerjain for the next couple of days ahead. Untuk hari ini aja, actually, the day is not over yet! Abis ini (current time 18:24) masih mau ada acara interaksi himpunan (you might know it better as an OS thingie). Sebentar si, cuma nganterin ke lab doank trus udah paling ntar pas akhir-akhirnya aja kita ciduk lagi pesertanya buat dipulangin (as the coordinator said to me, that is). Honestly, I was thinking…"gak dateng aja lah"…but then again, it was a matter of responsibility and loyalty (is that a nonsense?). Gee, what a bum.

Actually, I was thinking of doing something different today. I was thinking of doing something that would take me to the southern part of Bandung with someone else in my own good intention. But then again, I canceled (or is it more suitable as, put off?) it because I couldn’t find the person I needed to explain my proposal to. Well, there’s always some other time for me, but I don’t know about that other person…

Ow yeah, satu lagi. My sister sent me a message. She told me to go home soon because she couldn’t stand those robots (younger brothers, and why would she called them robots anyway?). Duh, mana kaset dia masih ada di saya lagi. I’m sorry, saya gak bisa pulang minggu ini. Banyak kerjaan yang kudu difokusin. I mean, Sabtu ada kuliah (and I don’t intend to skip it again this week), trus ngerjain soapbox (you do know what a soapbox it, don’t you?) juga, trus tugas-tugas yang harus selesai hari Senin, and several other personal thingies that needed to be done ASAP. Kalo aja SKETSA kaga diundur (tadinya tanggal 27 Maret 2005 jadi gak jelas kapan), saya pasti balik dah…no matter what. But uh, on second thought…

Ya, klo gitu kita journey to the south kapan-kapan lagi aja lah. besok mungkin, lusa perhaps, minggu depan? Who knows? The point is that I’ve got to do it!

YAAAY!!!
Well what do you know…
just before I came and wrote this, there was slight a bit of unexpected event happened. Actually, I was kind of expecting it to happen, but not that detailed. After some hard time of thinking, contemplating, weighing (and some other unuseful things that i usually do before decided to execute), I finally did it. Several days before, Irwan told me to "melt" it down, and he told me that I had to do it as soon as possible before it reaches the stage of "lethal" (Irwan told me that I was in "accute" phase). And I did, and it was great!
I was still kind of awkward though. I hadn’t been able to calm myself down. I had this…trembles that I never had them again since like…a year ago? But you know what, that "trembles" actually made me happy. Because by the present of those "trembles" I knew that I was true…
Gee, although it may be in vain once again…
I know…I just know…that, something…might happen (what the-?).

Doh, sorry for my insignificant rambling, actually…try to make it better next time.
See you when I see you =)