Archive for April, 2005

yield!

Wednesday, April 20th, 2005

well, i did it.
i did what i compelled to do since like…quite some time now. although the result was down with grief (i’ve seen it coming though, but i didn’t -definitely- look forward to it), i just…felt strange. i did not know the rules thus i was very nervous and speechless. oh, how stupid i was.

but in the other hand it was done for. i did it. it was the thing i’ve been wanting to do.

i could have said things, stuff…many and lots of things…but i felt, and afraid that those things i said would be big fat lies. because all i knew, all i was assured of, all i was determined to do -to say-…was that…what i said…

it came from the heart, and the heart was true…

of course…of course…reasons are reasonable, acceptable, and true. i couldn’t…and i actually did not want to force. i respected. for courtesy already hit me and, do what i might, i could not draw out the point from the wound.

it was foolish to behave arrogantly towards one whom you should flatter and beseech. i learned that wickedness and pride will avail me nothing thus i searched and looked for that simplicity that i’ve been hit by. i gave myself up willingly, and will never defend myself against it. i was forbid to think that i should ever defend myself, for it would be neither reasonable nor right.

For i shall never have them from anyone else, but only if your hand, which wounded me, provides a remedy; and whether you wish to make me your prisoner or prefer not to, i shall not count myself deceived, nor, i assure you, will i be angry.

some might say (i, myself, in the past, would say) that i -at the moment- am a loser for i surrendered. but recently i realized that to surrender, was actually…the right thing to do.

and so, i yielded…

a flower

Wednesday, April 20th, 2005

a flower

There were roses in profusion, the most beautiful in all the world.

There were buds, some tiny and closed up and others slightly larger,
and some much larger ones which were coming into flower and were on the
point of bursting. These buds are attractive, for wide-open roses have
completely faded after a day, whereas buds stay fresh for at least two
or three days. The buds pleased me greatly, for none finer grew
anywhere. The man who could pluck one should cherish it greatly, and if
I could have made a garland of them, there is nothing I would have
loved so well.

From among these buds I chose one so beautiful that when I had
observed it carefully, all the others seemed worthless in comparison.
It shone with colour, the purest vermilion that Nature could provide,
and Nature’s masterly hand had arranged its four pairs of leaves, one
after the other. Its stem was as straight as a reed, and the bud was
set on top in such a way that it neither bent nor drooped. The area
around it was filled with its perfume, and the sweet scent that rose
from it pervaded the whole place.

When I became aware of this scent, I had no wish to depart, but drew
nearer and would have plucked it had I dared stretch out my hands. But
sharp, pointed thistles forced me to draw back, while barbed,
keen-edged thorns and prickly nettles and brambles prevented me from
advancing, for I was afraid of hurting myself.

my opinion…
what if, just…what if…the flower…was not even
a rose…a flower, of another kind…maybe…which specifically, i dare
not to say…but still…the scent and beauty was as good as…even
better…for it mayhap been the best.

final engagement!

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

some said that desperate action without preparation…is suicidal. yes, i do believe that but i just don’t know what else to do. the line must be drawn here, no further. it is now or later, and later means another restless days and nights. the decisive strike must be done. whether the outcome would be miraculously cherishable or down with grief, i am ready for either one.

it would have been better for me to draw back, but i could not refuse the bidding of my heart. i was always compelled to go where it longed to be.

i am trying to reach my state of no thoughts at all. complicated thoughts, that is. what i am striving right now is to reach the state of Simplicity. i’ve always been thinking too much, too complex, and too careful. maybe it is now the time, that if the bird doesn’t sing…i should just kill it. but of course it doesn’t have to be done, if i can make the bird to sing for me.

the circle is now completed, and i must confront what i haven’t. the arrows of Beauty, Simplicity, Courtesy, Company, and Fair Seeming had wounded my heart thus surrender i shall, for it is the right thing to do since wickedness and pride will avail me nothing.

*** reference: The Book of Records 2005.04.18

close encounter

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

whoa…

today, monday april 18th, 2005. y’know what? it’s just that…i don’t know…i just don’t know but the same event happened as it was in march 24th, 2005! same people, different day, different hour, yet the same atmosphere. same circumstances. i was going for machine elements class, from my place and then "boom"…!

i do not know what does this mean. i need to encourage myself. i did take an evasive action though, wan’t sure whether it was right or not. now (just like always before) i need to determine myself, i really need to! wickedness and pride will avail me nothing! i must surrender, as the young man in the romance of the rose did. and surrender, i shall…

wish me luck! well, actually, i don’t need luck…wish me courage, that is…more proper, i guess…

vision of a bad omen

Thursday, April 14th, 2005

I saw…what I saw…
I didn’t want to believe what I thought…

but in case it was true, then…I’d just have to do nothing…for I’ve exhausted…wearied…

it is time to calm myself down…to be at peace…once again…and stop striving…
I may be too late, once again…
but I refuse to regret.
Yet if it was not true…then I shall continue my endeavor, always…

the romance of the rose - chapter two - the spring of narcissus

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

Today I read this second chapter from The Romance of the Rose. It was originally a poem written by Guillaume de Lorris. De Lorris had only managed to complete the 4000 lines though. It was then continued by Jean de Meun after de Lorris died, adding to it another 18000 lines.I read the prose version of the story. Too bad I only got the second chapter of it. I was pretty eager to read the whole thing after I read the second chapter.

The second chapter was entitled "The Spring of Narcissus". It was written in a kind of first-person-point-of-view. Although, maybe the guy in the story wasn’t actually the writer. From what I’ve read so far, the story in this chapter was actually divided into several sections.

The first section, the writer (or is it more proper if I said as the "I" guy) described that he was somehow entered the most beautiful garden ever. I liked this section. It described the garden and its surroundings pretty well. Trees, grasses, bushes, streams, the animals living there, etc. I don’t know. It just made you feel like you were imagining the most prefect place to calm yourself. Just like the "I" guy thought it was, I thought so too that it may be the most beautiful garden, ever. An Eden.

Secondly, the "I" guy found a place where Narcissus’ story took place. Well, I believe most people know who Narcissus was. I think he was the guy who felt in love deeply with his own reflection, his own self, self-admiration. Narcissus ended up dying, I believe. A pretty strange story. A little bit of mythological in my humble opinion.

Third part, the part that I liked the most, was about how the "I" guy found a rose-bud and fell in love with it. This section was quite long actually, but that was the point of it. How he intially approached the rose, admired it, sought to pluck it but was hurdled by thistles and thorns. And when he decided to stay away, he realized that Love had him in grasp. This part was rather mythological also since it involved Cupid and the stuff he did, you know…like releasing his arrow and stuff. But it was rather interesting because Love unleashed series of arrows into the "I" guy’s heart that made him fell in love with the rose: Beauty, Simplicity, Courtesy, Company, and Fair-Seeming. The "I" guy described every part very well that it even made me somehow as if I was also hit. That I was actually…the "I" guy. I don’t know, maybe it was just me.

Well, did the "I" guy survived? Did he managed to overcome his problem? Or he actually ended up dead just like Narcissus? I believe we shall find out more after reading it through. I, myself, wanted to read the whole thing after I did the second chapter. Who knows the whole story might even more interesting! The language was pretty understandable for a poem-to-prose translation unlike most I read in the past. The point is, that, this story was totally inspiring for me, definitely!

As you may know, the original version was actually an allegorical poem. So in this story, the writer (or the "I" guy in this case) wasn’t actually describing what’s in the story itself. Like the garden, the rose, and Cupid himself. The garden may actually be a surroundings, environment, where the "I" guy lived. Or maybe the world itself, with all its things inside. While the rose-bud simbolized a beautiful maiden to which the "I" guy fell in love with. In the end, Cupid or Love was actually the love feeling he had inside him that he couldn’t conquer or some sort. Good representations, and I would give two thumbs up for this writing, really.

unfocused

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Gee…
Last week has been very -totally- hectic for me. And the following week -yet to come- will seem to stay the same as before. I was pretty spirited at first, facing those under-pressure situations. But one thing occupied my mind the most. To think about it everytime -most of the time- was like being stripped off from everything. It was like you just wouldn’t do anything. It was like, the spirit suddenly -now i said suddenly- just gone away…