star-crossed melodies

is it right? to write that title and relate it to what i wanted to write in the following?

anyway, yes! i’m going home…no matter what! by the end of this week i will definitely set my course back to Cirebon. there’s no doubt about it. i just have to do it. i haven’t gone home since quite a long time now. well, it is time…

phew, i still want to stay a little longer in Bandung though. but, i won’t be long in Cirebon. i just have to come around and do things before i go back to Bandung by the start of next week. there would be a lot of things to be done next week and i really need to make the time to go back to Cirebon in case i won’t have any other time later. of course, actually, i would -definitely- have the time later but it’s just that i haven’t been home for quite some time and i really really missed those people back there. my dad, my mom, sis, bros. ay caramba guys! i’m going home. yay!

yeehaw! wish me luck

sigh,

well…i…uh…
it’s saturday night. and load of things awaited me to be done. so why am i here?
well, again, i needed some time, to find some things. what?
ok, i need to find materials for the debate motion…and case building and stuff…like that. so here i am looking for what i needed to find but still, to no avail since there are just so many materials yet there’s only little time left.

another thing, that is, i needed to check on the web things that my buddy…well..how to say it…gave the responsibility to me while he’s away. i’ve checked the mailbox and inform him of what was in there. now it is just the web work that needed to be changed. but i haven’t got the time to do it. i shouldn’t even spare some time to write this, but i just can’t.

last thing…i sent her a message tonight. just to know. just to say something. i must admit that i haven’t lost the residual effect from the final engagement. although i have been trying to sever the feelings for quite some time now. it was there, it’s been there, and probably, possibly, it will be there for quite some other time. yet, as i expected…the reply never came.

oh well…i don’t know what to say anymore…although…i…
…
just forget it…!

i just…wanted to write about my blog.
this blog.
it’s just that…i’ve been reading most of my previous entries, and whoa…i was amazed! most of my entries were…weird? ok,  i must admit: most of my writings might be inunderstandable. why? because i’ve been using words which are not familiar with you guys, i believe. plus, i think my way of describing and telling things are…too…allegorical, metaphorical. maybe that’s why. ok, the point is…most of them are ramblings. it’s always been.

bear with it. i did intend to use this blog (this one) as a spontaneous notepad. well, to be frank, that is. i’m sorry though if you didn’t enjoy it that much. but i did. because behind all of those, behind the unrevealed allegorical/metaphorical of mine…there is the truth.

sigh,

i don’t know. suddenly, i just felt tired. tired, of what i’ve done.
well, of course i do. what i’ve done these days was mosty taking on journeys. they were definitely exhausting.

no, that’s not what i meant.

it’s just…i’m tired of supressing. i’m tired of preserving. when it’s in vain. so what’s the point?
i’ve been struggling for nothing. for no point. it could’ve been different, but i refused. i refused to charge and strike, yet i also wouldn’t step back, returned to point zero. starting over.

i’m at stagnation.

that’s just why…i’m still here…staying…could not decide on where to go…or what to do.
all i do was…circling around, chasing one’s own tail.

i want to take a rest, for a bit…
oh, flower…

ok,

today was monday, and i was very exhausted. well, not very…it was just that, i had a full day. firstly, there was a debate practicing at 10:00 until after midday. after that i took a break for a while and then went directly to cimahi. the journey took quite a long time and most of my energy was totally consumed there, at the journey. i went to cimahi to do certain, usual thing: to pay some bills. the trip from bandung-cimahi-bandung spent almost 4 hours of my time. and luckily, once i arrived at cimahi, the person who i should meet and pay the bill to wasn’t actually there. so, it was in vain. all i got was a tiresome journey back and forth. sigh…

one more thing. the night before…which was sunday night, the night before monday. i had a really really weird dreams. i don’t know how to call it…weird, strange, funny, sad, pathetic…i don’t know. but it was very memorable. usually, dreams just pass in time after you woke up. but this one, it’s still very clear in my head. most of it was like this:

1. i went to the Mountain Where Jasmine Blooms and scouted the area. as i went near to The Place Where Jasmine Blooms, i got caught up. caught up by the One…y’know, the One hehehehe…and One’s counterpart. then One summoned me and i was very very…afraid…so i explained as hard as i could that i didn’t, at any case, have any bad intention towards The Place Where Jasmine Blooms and the One. and that was it…i couldn’t recall the continuation after that…

2. i was near my grandma’s house, which is somewhere in central java. and then i met my old friend there which he said that he went to college there. what the heck?! he was going to college in cirebon, how come that he was there? weird…but then again it was a dream. and so we went home together and we had to walk through a jungle. what?! what does this mean anyway? after that we arrived at the terminal to take a bus back home, of course. there, i met again with one of my old friend which we had a previous engagement in the past. what? but why? am i thinking about it? no, i didn’t as i recall? but why it came up? ah well, it’s just a dream.

dreams pass in time…

at last,

"…we shall reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we shall have revenge."

that was what Darth Maul said to his master, Sidious in Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace. but this isn’t about it at all. it is about me.

yes, at last! at last i did it. the journey that i’ve been longed to do since quite some time ago. the journey…to the south. of course, of course the journey was taking some time and was quite exhausting, yes it was. but then again, i think it was worth it, although it actually worth nothing. it worth so much for me. that much, that i’ve found it. yes i’ve found it. the mountain…the mountain…The Mountain Where Jasmine Blooms. i’ve found it.

i started the journey from the ‘underground library’. from there i started to scout the surrounding area. after a bit of consideration, i finally decided the path that i shall take, so i strolled that way. after a long road, and broke a sweat a bit, there i was, in the middle of nowhere but exactly at the place i wanted to be, the entrance to the mountain…The Mountain Where Jasmine Blooms.

as i stood there, watching at the entrance, i couldn’t help myself but smile. i didn’t know why. i observed the surroundings, and it was not much of a crowd. i stopped. it was time for me to go hom. the journey could continue later on. it could wait. i’ve found the entrance and finding The Place Where Jasmine Blooms was a matter of time. it was absolute, but it could wait. for if i do it at that time instantly, it would be inscure. my presence, wasn’t fairly covered. i need to fall back, and come back later. it was there, and i knew the way. i’ll be back, someday.

to The Place Where Jasmine Blooms, even if it’s merely just to see it, or better…to enter.

well, holiday it is!

it’s been a while also. i don’t know. but it seemed that my recent life was filled only with games. it corrupted me! i wasted most of my times playing it!
whatever, i mean…it was good.
but was it worth it?
i don’t know. maybe.
well then, i wanted to recalibrate my daily activities from now on. the grades have finally exposed and another thing settled. at first, i wanted to make this holiday when i retaliate to everything that i hadn’t paid attention to during the college days. for example: journey to the south, exploration-adventure, and many more things which i needed to do while i’m in Bandung, that is.

also, there were several things that i haven’t done since my thoughts distracted by the game. things like reading a book to its end and reread some other books that i wanted to plus reading several new books. those i hadn’t done. i also hadn’t made any entries since like quite a long time. I didn’t make any entry for the journal record, i didn’t make any entry for the Book of Idea, and also i hadn’t written any letter of records lately.

i need to find myself back.

whoa…
it’s been quite some time now. i haven’t written anything in a while. well, regardless…the trials is over. and yet i had to step into another phase in my life. but, i still had those tricky minds from before. it’s not gone. not yet. not now.

but why?

ah well…let’s ditch that for now. i’m not in my fittest state of mind to write anything about that. at this very moment, i’d really like to write about what i saw these days…or should i say: these nights.

you see, there were those bushes of jasmine plants near the place i lived. but i’ve been wondering though. everytime i went by, i never say any bloomed jasmine…the flower, that is. i passed it days after days. i even stopped, just to see. yet i didn’t found one. i’ve never say much flower though. but, lately, those flowers…those jamines…bloomed. it was one afternoon when i was going to campus. i, as always, passed by the jasmine bush and saw that there were actually several flowers, yet to bloom. they were white, pure and clean. but when i went back from campus which was late at night, it got eve more interesting as the flowers that i previously saw…had already bloomed, all of them. i just couldn’t believe my luck! it was almost midnight with all of those darkness and silent. the blossomed jasmine flowers were shiny as they were white. they were so beautiful, so lovely that i wanted to pluck them and kept them just for myself. but to what purpose? until which point?

and so i passed by, walked away while admiring…adoring, smiling to myself. jasmine IS so lovely.