star-crossed melodies

i might have gone completely crazy to write the following, but uh…what the heck!

during the journey through my life, if i pay a little bit extra attention, there had been several things happened that really caught my mind. let’s just say, in this case, we’ll talk about…girls.

if i recalled it well and clear enough, there were at least four or five girls that caught my attention, until now. no, i’m not talking about slight liking or just "ok, she’s cute". but it’s more of a that so called deep feeling or whatever you might want to say about it. hmph, i’m not good at anything related to story telling or writing formal essays, but the following would be a glimpse of my past -well…let’s just say- encounters with girls i defined just before.

first princess…
she was actually a friend of mine from elementary school but i started to have that touch in my heart about her when i was in junior high school. yes, she was also in the same junior high school as i was. we can say that she was quite the most -well- beautiful girl at school -imho- and i was like the loser one, heheheh. you know. she was like the princess and me as the puny citizen. actually, she was the girlfriend of a friend that i know. whatever, but it never happened. i kept myself as her secret admirer, until now. and now? well, i met her once or twice. she still doesn’t know it, until this moment. and i kept it for myself. no one knows, never, ever.

scarlet light…
this one started from late junior high school through early college era. that’s quite some time wasn’t it? i was a stubborn person anyway. so, at first, it was my friends who matchmade me with this girl. i didn’t give a serious thought about it since we were only joking. but at certain points, my friends started to get out of line by doing things that’s really embarrassing me. well, there were things, but i couldn’t explain. it would be lengthy. what i was afraid of finally came to realize. i had feelings for her. i hate to admit that my friends had succeeded, if you could put it that way. but unfortunately, at that moment she already had her own choice. so i held back. i don’t know why, still trying to find a good reason for it, but i never made my move towards her since then. she changed boyfriends time after time. three times, if i recalled. i had chances between, but i never went for it. i just didn’t. but during that, my feeling for her was still strong. as i know, she’s still with the same boyfriend the last time i saw her. but i don’t know. things might’ve happened. but one thing that i never know, did she ever had a feeling for me. right now, i don’t care no more.

shining jasmine…
recently. well, not actually recently, but quite some time ago. if i recalled, it’s still in a matter of months ago instead of years. the time, college era. it was the most invaluable experience for me. i laugh, smile, frowned, sad, disappointed, and lots of other mixed feelings when i remember the times of this era. well, i knew her quite near the end, late. hard to explain, but it’s just that. we started good friends. i liked her, she was kind and cheerful. good mannered -imho- and smart. but of course she was also lovely and beautiful. i took it slow and calm. i was sure of it. but i just hate it when the turning point happened. it was when her friend gave me the indulgence and stimulant by saying something that made me believe that she liked me. i hate that because it made me think about things. and when i started to think about things, i got carried away and everything went a little bit out of control. after a long time of considerations and hard thinking, contemplating, and striving, i finally decided it. i told her how i felt.
and she let me down.
yes, she did. it was quite a huge turn of event for me. really huge. if you’ve been following and reading my previous posts in this blog, you might’ve known this as the FINAL ENGAGEMENT. it took me quite some time to get over from the residual effect. as i counted, it was around three months before i actually free from the downing grief. yet, still, if i saw her or just a glimpse of her, i still had the nervous stance.

perfect beauty…

this one actually come in before shining flower. in my point of view, all of the latter lead to a no happy ending. yes, most of them made me down or just sad. but one thing. this one, this girl, perfect beauty. it’s not literally, but her name -in my own interpretation- reflected and meant just that. we’re just friends. she might not even know that i actually set my eyes on her. but there’s something about her, that always made me smile. she has boyfriend though, unfortunately. but i said what the heck! guess i’m back as a secret admirer. i don’t know what to say about her but she has her charm and grace. i even once wrote a poem of my thoughts of her, of my point of view of her, of her figure. it’s still there, somewhere. it was pure. she’s…i still couldn’t tell…

that’s most of it. of course there are still some girls. but most of them might’ve been just a slight liking. the four above were the most influential ones and i still have my hopes on one or two of them until now. who knows…

each and every girls that entered my heart left a small place in there that will never vanish. i’m afraid that the more girls came into my life, in the end there might not be another place to spare.
sighs…

am i crazy or what to have written this…D’OH!!!

i can’t sleep,

the thoughts. it’s coming back to me. the thoughts about final engagement. it’s just that…several days ago i was totally distracted from it, but yesterday a friend asked about things…that was connected to it. and now, i recall it again.

now i couldn’t sleep. so here i am.

sighs…
strange…is this missing, i feel?

hohoho…

i am back!
yes i am. after several days away from campus, i am back. well, as some of you might have known, i went with some friends to join the debating competition in Pasundan University. well, it consumed most of my time since we had to be present there most of our time during the day (and also night).

beside it has consumed most of my time, it has also consumed my focus. my concentration has been driven away from that which was, to that which is. so i guess from now on, the residual effect from the previous final engagement is no longer there. well, not actually no longer. it’s still there. but only in small amount. not as thick as it was. it doesn’t have absolute control over me anymore. its grasp over me is slowly diminishing.

i do realize that it could not be eliminated completely. it shall remain there. but it’s being supressed and hopefully, wouldn’t do much harm as it was before.

anyway, since i am back now, i once again strolled the paths in my campus. nothing much. only saw those whom preparing themselves for the upcoming oskm next month. i also checked to the usual place, the shop tokema. but it wasn’t the same. i lost the spirit. well, i have no idea. i haven’t encounter anything related to final engagement since quite a long time now. maybe it shall be answered when the new semester starts. but i must be aware of the next graduation. there may something unexpected there.

i don’t know.

it’s just that…i felt like i was diverted from my own old self. my concentration was transferred and consumed into something else. it made the residual effect from the final engagement faded slowly…dissolving.