star-crossed melodies

bulan september udah mau selesai. akhir september biasanya ada peringatan terjadinya gerakan 30s-pki sama kesaktian pancasila pas awal oktobernya. gak tau deh, taun ini ada ga. klo dulu, biasanya selalu ada -paling engga- iklan layanannya di tv. i don’t know about this year. yah, smoga aja sih masih ada, guna mengenang pengorbanan para pahlawan di masa lampau (iyay, what the?).

hummm, i don’t know. pas lagi nulis ini udah rada-rada malem kali jadinya mulai stres ama depresi gitu (heheheh…). ini juga nulis karena tiba-tiba pengen aja. something just came out of my mind and here i goes…

anyway, hari kelima di bulan oktober udah mulai hari puasa lagi (bulan ramadhan). gak kerasa. perasaan baru kemaren lebaran (padahal udah satu tahun komariah). yah begitulah. perasaan baru kemaren juga bangun malem-malem sekitar jam 3 dini hari dengan sangat bersemangat memikirkan akan makan apa malam itu, bersemangat memikirkan "wonder what everyone else’s doing or eating at the moment", bersemangat jalan-jalan di tengah dinginnya malam, bersemangat menonton sambil makan, dan bersemangat untuk tidur kembali. tapi, hal yang paling gak bisa dilupakan, abis bangun kepikiran untuk ngebangunin orang laen yang pastinya lagi enak-enak tidur dan terbuai di tengah mimpi-mimpi indahnya.

and at that time, i was thinking to myself, "ok! i shall wake them up also!"

so…sori ya buat temen-temen semua yang waktu bulan puasa tahun lalu pintu kosannya selalu diketok-ketok padahal lagi enak-enak tidur, diteriakin "bangun woy!" padahal lagi asik-asiknya mimpi jalan ama… (can’t say, ntar orangnya marah), trus juga temen-temen yang tiba-tiba handphone-nya bunyi-bunyi gak jelas padahal udah bangun (yang ini nih…). i know i was  such a troublesome. it was just that…i was very spirited at those times.

but i don’t know. kayaknya untuk tahun ini there wouldn’t be such thing again. gak tau sih. yah, mudah-mudahan i’d still have the spirit dan tetep ngebangunin yang lainnya. tapiii, i know it won’t be the same anymore. i just know.

there won’t be that message anymore that said, "thanks a lot. me and the rest of the family forgot to put on the alarm."

it was just one message…yet…

sighs…

eh, ternyata age of empires (aoe) III udah keluar ya, versi demonya.

jadi inget. iya tuh, aoe itu salah satu game pertama yang saya maenin jaman dulu2 banget. waktu dulu taunya dari cd majalah chip punya temen. di situ ada versi demonya aoe yang rise of rome. pas nyoba-nyoba eh, ternyata gameplay nya lumayan asik juga. apalagi saya kan sukanya yang agak-agak bersejarah gitu. trus, nanya ke temenku itu, dia punyanya aoe I. ya udah, gpp, trus saya pinjem dan maen.

trus abis gitu mulai lebih gencar lagi maennya semenjak ada tempat nge-lan di cirebon sama aoe II age of kings yang baru-baru keluar. setau saya sih waktu dulu itu tempat nge-lan satu-satunya yang ada di sana. jadi deh kita berempat (me and three of my friends known as the Quaestors, or was it MicroHax, or was it what?) selalu maen aoe II yang latar belakangnya zaman-zaman medieval gitu. sesudah waktu sekolah tentunya.

it was really fun! maennya seolah-olah jadi raja ato jenderal beneran gitu. maklum lah, jiwa muda heheheh. orangnya juga suka aneh-aneh si. kadang-kadang di awal sebelum maen suka perjanjian dulu, siapa sekutu ama siapa, trus baru maen. eh, tapi pas di tengah-tengah permainan ada satu orang yang berkhianat (i wonder who it was) trus balik nyerang temennya sendiri. maennya udah kayak beneran aja. the most memorable scene was…waktu itu saya sekutu ama salah satu temen. Gak tau waktu itu lawannya siapa ya, komputer ato orang lain? tapi yang pasti, pas awal-awal main kita udah diserang gitu. yang diserang paling gencarnya si temen saya itu. semua unitnya dia dibantai! supaya nyelametin peradabannya dia ngelariin beberapa pekerja ke wilayah saya. maksudnya supaya bisa ngebangun lagi di wilayah saya. tapi pas nyampe depan gerbang wilayah saya, gerbangnya ga tak bukain alias dikunci. akhirnya pekerja-pekerja si temen saya itu dibantai semua di depan gerbang wilayahku. MWAHAHAHHAAH…

i was such a wicked person!

heh,

ternyata manusia (baca: saya) tuh emang ngga pernah puas ya…

yeah, right. ya emang gitu si. i don’t know why. ya ga bisa puas aja gitu lah…ada aja kurangnya. awalnya laper2, trus dikasih makan dikit biar gak laper lagi. udah gitu masih pengen makan lagi biar kenyang. udah kenyang masih pengen makan yg lebih enak. yaaah, begitu lah (analogi nya sucks yah?).

saya juga ngerasain yang seperti itu baru2 ini (when i said recently, i really mean it). sebelumnya saya udah pernah vowed and promised myself, “ok, i shall do what i intend to do…no more no less!”

tapi pas udah saatnya, pas udah kejadian, and setelah dijalanin…akhirnya malah pengen lebih,”gee, why don’t i go further and do more?”

argh! why?!

mungkin hal itu berhubungan dengan kesabaran. i’ve always been patient (so i say). tapi, enam bulan yang lalu (kurang lebih), saya mutusin untuk stop being patient and ngambil decisive action by putting aside my wickedness and arrogance. yaaa, you know what lah. it’s the final engagement thingie.

anyway, just recently, residu final engagement itu datang lagi in a form of encounter. saya sih berhasil menghadapinya dengan tenang, singkat, dan padat (what th-). tapiii, setelah beberapa detik terlewat…i just felt that,”i could’ve done more. why didn’t i?”

and there i go again, trying to re-seized the chance. but it already flew away. d’oh!

yaaah, nyantei (ooh, this word still lingers in my soul) aja lah. trying to supress the feeling. tapiii…kadang2 this heart just crack under pressure…

yay!!!

i think, by far, this saturday night was possibly the best saturday night ever! heheheh, it’s just that, i had the slightest thought that -somehow- it was going to be the worst ever. it was because since i woke up at 1700 until early 1900, i had nothing to do except reading some materials such as books, newspaper, writings of my own that i made in the past.

i was sooo bored that i decided to take some walk around the block with no certain destination. it seemed that during my walks, i had several thoughts in my head. between dating-people and some groups of people, i had the dumbest idea to pay a visit to a friend of mine. so, i sent a message asking if my friend was at home or not, and of course, the permission to bother.

fifteen minutes waiting and the message wasn’t replied yet. so i said, "what the hell! i’d just call."

and there i was, calling. yup, tendencies of a newly reloaded handphone credits since i just bought a 20000 worth credit for my cell-phone during my walks. and as i was talking with my friend, it appeared (so the person said) that the friend of mine that i wanted to visit was having something to do and was out of my friend’s place. although i just wanted to ask, the conversation ended up quite fun and refreshing. yet, i couldn’t hold the talk for too long since i was using my cell-phone and to tell you the truth, i can’t afford the money to use it for make a long-timed call. so, i said that i would contact again and my friend was looking forward to it.

yay! as happy as i was at that moment…the excitement continued.

after spending around one minute calling…i had the tendency of making another phone-call, to another certain person. d’oh! i just couldn’t resist the thrill nor the excitement of thinking about it. and after several minutes on trying to defeat my fear…i made the call. not long, only about one and a half minute, plus (i think) not so good response from the person i called and some crappy out-of-date questions that i said but what the heck! i was actually happy…

shrugs…

"you know,"

"it’s been a while since the day i declared my feelings towards her. six months, if i’m not mistaken, more or less. but i don’t know. it’s just that…i still couldn’t get over it. i don’t know why. the feeling’s still lurking there, inside. it won’t go away."

…….

"i know, i know. you might think that it’s a standard. most people felt that way. but it really bothered me, a lot. i mean, if i still want to keep it, why won’t i struggle for it? why couldn’t i strive without the fear of having to be hurt? why can’t i just act as if i have nothing to lose, like i’ve always wanted to. no! i couldn’t…i always thought -everytime, all the time- that i have something to lose. i don’t know…what it is. i can’t tell. but i have fears…and it lead to a no good attitude of mine."

…….

"yet, if i did not want this feeling anymore? why couldn’t i just throw it away? toss it to the far side of the horizon and once again keep up with the line of my dreams? no…i couldn’t…my life seemed to have been stopped since that day. it may moved on, but not significant. it was constrained, hand-cuffed, limited. it was as if my soul degradated day by day and to a certain point…lost in the middle of the darkness.

sometimes, when i was alone with no one and nothing to do. i started to think. and when i think, it has always been leading me to her. and when i think about her…i just can’t do…"

…….

"tom, what the heck’s happening?"

yo…

it’s been quite a while now, since…well…uh…
…
…
…
i don’t know. i haven’t been much inspired lately.

by the way, new semester has already started. yes, i need to be more serious now since what happened last time. well, let’s just say that…if it was a war, i would’ve been totally ambushed and there would be massacre (which actually there was).

hmph, there i go again, with my unclear ramblings.

ok, let’s see now. at the moment, i’m just trying to live my life to the fullest, and it’s hard! but i’ve realized some things. things that i’ve been ignoring for quite some time now. for example, my hopes…or dreams. i used to have ones, yet i started to ignore it and eventually forgetting it. but now, after getting several inspiration, i’ve finally ready to re-determine it. yes, i shall!

still thinking…until now.